WE'RE BACK: Sandy’s Birth + Postpartum Story - Part I

Sandy & Wade (00:01.838)
We're We're live. First podcast in like a year together. Wow. Getting Magnetic with Standing Weight is back. Not any sort of regular cadence. Yeah. To what capacity is it back? It's when we have a message we need to share, if we're inspired by something, but like the two times a week like we did for three years is not aligned. I love it because I was kind of waiting for you to initiate and feel like you're back because like I feel like I could always be back.

So our dynamic is more, okay, Wade is ready to do whatever, whenever, pretty much. so, but Sandy is like a powerhouse and, she needs to feel ready to do something in order to do it. And that's part of the generator too. So you came to me a few weeks ago, like, babe, I feel like we could drop when we feel inspired getting magnetic episodes and like, kind of makes me nervous, but I want to start with like everything we've been through in our story since Crew's been born.

Et cetera. Yeah. So I mean, set the tone for what do you feel like you want to share? Like what's to come this episode or it might be a multiple? Yeah, I think this might be this is going to be like a postpartum series. have people I want to interview that played like a really integral part. Is that a word? Integral? Integral. Yeah. Part in supporting me. But it's going to start with just kind of a story and.

I just want to like say trigger warning. if you are in, if you like, I just want to like, if you're pregnant or you're about to give birth or you're in the thick of postpartum or you're struggling to like, you might not want to listen to this because we are going to be talking a lot about really heavy, deep stuff and like postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, a lot of the struggles and mental health stuff. So it might not be for you and that's okay. I would not have been ready to listen to something like this if I was about to give birth.

We're going to talk about the birth. We're going to talk about different things. So I guess I want to start with that. But really my intention of sharing one, it's part of my healing journey. I am still on a healing journey. I feel like I will be forever. We all are right. But since I've gotten back online in social media in the past couple of weeks and I've shared tidbits of like the postpartum, I've had hundreds of messages from people asking questions. What did you go through? Like I'm going through it.

Sandy & Wade (02:28.11)
blah, blah, blah, like all these things. And so a big part of me wanting to share too is like, maybe this can help people. maybe, like I know it will. That's kind of been our intention all along is like, if we feel like we have a message to share that could help people, like what let's get out, let's put it out there. Let's share it. Especially, you know, in just building a personal brand this day and age, it's really like, what value can I add to the world? Do I want to put that out there into the world? And so with it, we've always aimed to

Honestly, you be pretty raw and pretty open and pretty vulnerable in the sense of just like really sharing our life, not every single thing, but we've shared a lot of our life. And this last chapter, the last year of our life was the most challenging in our life together. It's since we've been dating and since we've been married and we weren't ready to share it. And especially you, you weren't ready share and I'm not going to, you know, I'm not going to share it without you. And so

It's probably cool and nerve wracking. Yeah, I literally feel like I could poop right now. Yeah, I love it. Like my stomach kind of hurts. All big moments. feel like whether we're walking on stage in our business or different stuff, you always turn to me and you go, or we're going to train for a lot of people or something like that. You're like, I feel like I need to poop. I have butterflies. So like maybe that's a good sign. Yeah. Yeah. No, totally. But I think too, bear with us here as far as the podcast goes on.

We're going to, this is probably going to end up being a multi-part series because there's so much to share. And there was so many people that helped us in this season too. We might bring on some interviews and no like tangible specific cadence or deliverables or anything. It's just like getting magnetic is going to be super flowy as far as when we feel called to just like pop on. We're actually shooting this on video too. probably share it on YouTube. YouTube, Spotify, Apple.

But this I feel like is more turning the mic over to you and I'm like supporting cast on our journey and your journey. And I think it will help a lot of people. And what I realize outside looking in, you are vulnerable and raw and you do share. And when you do, you share things that most people aren't usually willing to share publicly, but so many people feel and relate to. So I just want to empower you that even if you feel a little nervous or scared, like

Sandy & Wade (04:49.774)
share whatever feels right, but a lot of people will probably relate to you and connect and be inspired. So some might call me dramatic, but I think if most people went through what I went through in the past year, they would agree like I suffered excruciating circumstances. Like that's just honestly how I feel. I guess I'll start with sharing. So my

Pregnancy is with my daughters. Like I love being pregnant. Yeah, I felt so beautiful pregnant I you are we stopped at stores and people like I just have to tell you like you're just glowing like you're the most beautiful pregnant person ever I'm like, thank you. You had a glow I totally felt that way with the girls and with our son. It was different for me You didn't feel even pregnancy the glow sometimes but like remember I did 75 hard with Cove's pregnancy and I like crushed it and I did with Cruz and on day 45 I was like, I'm done. Yeah, like my ankles were like

like triple the size that they're supposed to be. everything hurt. was so swollen at the height of pregnancy, like birthday with both my girls. I'm like my healthy weight's like 135 pounds with the girls. Like at birth, I was like 175. So I gained like 40 pounds, which, know, there's no like perfect weight you should or shouldn't gain. But they say about a pound a week is like average. So I feel like I was very average with them. With crew the day I gave birth, I was 196 pounds. So

Like wow, I forgot about that. We were almost the same weight. Yeah, that's pretty wild. I felt huge. My body hurts so bad my low back my SI everything I so anyway I just want to start with saying that the pregnancy was different and maybe should have been like a warning of like girl you're about to have a journey. Yeah. So so yeah, the the ending especially it was so rough. I feel like I might be bouncing around a little bit but I guess I'll start by saying like

My sister was not able to be at the birth of either of my daughters. The first one, because we started at home and after 26 hours we transferred to the hospital and it was still during COVID time. And so they only let two people come. Obviously my husband was one of them. And at the time I felt it was necessary for my doula to be there as the second person, knowing what I know now. Like I would have had my sister, like my sister could have acted as the doula, but because of that, my sister wasn't at the first one. And then with the birth of our second one, Co, we did have a

Sandy & Wade (07:14.59)
redemptive amazing beautiful home birth with her and It kind of happened really fast and I think time you just kind of couldn't really get there in time Yeah, because she lives in California and we live in Colorado, but she was there within like a couple days Yeah, yeah Yeah, she came as soon as she could So yeah, she missed both the birth and so with our third our son crew my sister was like I am gonna be there like no matter what it takes and so I Have always been kind of like a vivid dreamer

And like I kept dreaming and feeling like I'm having this baby April 14th. Like I just felt like that. And I told that to my sister and she's like, all right, well I'm flying out. Sandy's heavy on dates and intuitive dates and like this is happening, like stuff like that. So we were all like, all right, let's start prep. Yeah. And he was due April 27th, which actually ended up being his exact birthday. But I thought he was coming the 14th. So anyway, my sister flew out on like the 12th. I'm like, Todd, I just know it. He's gonna be born on the 14th. She's like, all right, here we go. So she booked a one-way ticket. She came out.

you guys, she was with us for 18 days, 18 days. I started having like, she has three kids and a husband. Yep. And so that was like the ultimate sacrifice. Imagine if you are a mom and you work a full time job, like imagine being like, yo hubby, like I'm out for like three weeks by like, she, didn't know. didn't know that that was going to happen. in the second week, shout out to supportive spouses and everyone like, cause so many people make things happen.

in life, especially you have a family and so like, she is a legend and a word. You guys are so loyal sisters, know, sibling, the sisters have such a bond and loyalty. Yeah, starting to see with our girls too. But shout out your sister and and and her husband down the floor with three kids for three weeks. I know it's not easy. Yeah. So anyway, she was still working her job. Like she kept having to like explain her boss like so is this baby born yet? Like you coming back like

And so I started feeling guilty and pressure of like, need to make this baby come. Like Tanya has been gone from her kids or kids miss her. She missed Easter. She'd never missed Easter. Her kids were like so devastated that she missed Easter. Like I started feeling a lot of guilt. I'm like, great. I'm completely interrupting her life. Her boss is starting to get annoyed. Like I started feeling pressure of like, I need to get this baby out of my body. And I'm someone that typically likes to like trust mother nature, like not rush things, like let nature take its course. But I started feeling like, okay, we need to have like intervention. Like we need to get this baby here. And.

Sandy & Wade (09:36.974)
So by like, I don't know, my birthday is April 17th. Then there was a second where I'm like, oh my God, we're gonna have the same birthday. Like I thought for sure before and I'm on birthday. No, he wasn't. That passed. Yep. We're like just all waiting like on the tip edge of our seat. Yes, like just waiting. Every day felt like a week. Like it was just like the end of pregnancy was so challenging for me mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, like every level. So anyway, I want to say it was like the 24th of April.

we went to Geneva, my midwife, and I was like, hey, and I don't, again, normally like do interventions, but I was like, I think I wanna do like a membrane sweep, which is like when, you your doctor or your midwife like puts their fingers in your cervix and like sweeps it to try to like help induce things. And so she did, and remember like nothing happened. Like she was like, I'm like, what am I dilated to? She was like.

maybe one for being generous. It wasn't doing anything. So we did that. Didn't like it at all. It's not very comfortable. And then a few more days went by and like the anxiety was just like, I don't know. think it was now, it only one more day. was the 25th. So April 25th, the next day we went back and she was like, listen, you are 40 weeks. Like you're good to go. Like if your sister's still here and you really want her to be here, like you can make a, what was it? castor oil smoothie. So

And I've heard of this from a lot of people and I've literally never heard anyone say it doesn't work. So I was scared to do it because I'm like, I've heard people say like they have a castor oil smoothie and their babies in their arms like 45 minutes later. So I was like, my God. So I again, didn't want to like brush them out, but at the same time I did. So long story longer, she gave us the recipe, told us what to do. And we made it. And on Friday, April 25th at 6 PM and by 10 PM that night, I started having contractions.

And so I'm thinking because my second birth went pretty fast, what 12 hours, maybe total. that like, we probably meet them like that night or the next morning. and so contractions start it's gone all night long and I won't get into a ton of details with the birth, but basically around, wasn't it like 1pm the next day? So we had not slept. Like it started at 10pm on Friday and it was one.

Sandy & Wade (11:57.678)
PM in the afternoon on Saturday. And the contractions this whole time since they started were like four minutes apart, pretty intense. Which is your MO. Wade and Tanya, my sister and Wade and my midwife, Geneva, were all rotating, like, you know, doing the hip presses, all the stuff. There wasn't a lot of rotation there. am I confusing some of my birth? No, I was doing the hip. I was the hip man. You were the hip man. They were like, we've been here before and she wants you and.

you do CrossFit, you've got to do the hip thing. like, all right, I'm on the hip thing. You guys are female, emotional, feminine support, and I'll do the hip thing, which just help relieve Sandy's pressure. Yeah, it helped. Well, because I had back pain. I had so much back labor. Cameron, our first born, and Crew, our third born, were both sunny side up, which is like when their head is like... Our Crew was just cocked. He wasn't sunny side up. He wasn't? Well, whatever. They weren't in the optimal position, let's put it that way.

And so it causes a lot of back pain. And I broke my tailbone bone 14 years ago snowboarding. And that always seems that whole area and like the SI and the low back always seems to be like activated like around birth for me. So anyway, it's about 1pm and I basically like look at you and Sina and Geneva and Tanya and I'm like, I think we need to go to the hospital like

I just got to a point where the, really don't like using the word pain, but it's pain. Like the pain got to a point where I'm like, I'm so tired. Like we went to sleep on Thursday, woke up on a Friday morning. yeah. The goal was a home birth. Just like the second baby. but like it's like, went to sleep on Thursday, woke up Friday morning at like 6 a.m. And hadn't slept since then. And then labor started Friday night. And then at this point it's Saturday at one. So it's like, I can't do the math, but we hadn't slept in a while.

And so I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, and I look at them. And labor wasn't progressing was the thing. Yes. That was the key thing is that I'm tracking with the midwives is like, you're going through it and all these waves and contractions, but there wasn't progression. Yeah. But then that kind of starts to alert like, all right, maybe some.

Sandy & Wade (14:13.742)
baby's out of place or something where baby doesn't want to come down into the birth canal to be born because something's off. Didn't I have Geneva check me and I was at six centimeters or was that one? No. Yeah. So I felt like, we're getting, must be getting like it's intense, but then it's like later we found out I was at six centimeters, which it's like, okay. Um, anyway, so we got to a point where I was like, I want to transfer. So, um, which I give you a lot of credit for like, because

you're a pretty, this is stubborn might be the right word, but like when you set your mind to something, you're like, I am doing this. Totally. And I know you wanted to do a home birth and that was our plan, but I give you a lot of credit for also allowing and receiving and being flexible and being fluid and like being intuitive and listening to your body. Like something feels off. feel like we need to go to hospital. Well, you know what's crazy is like one of my fears, one of my biggest fears was getting a C-section.

And remember on April 23rd, I had a nightmare that I had a C-section and I group texted you me and Geneva and I was like, Geneva, can I come over? Like I need to process some fears with you about a C-section. She's like, let's talk about it. So Wade and I went to her house. I told her like, this was the dream. I told it to her in detail and she was like, one, the crazy thing is, cause I told her in detail, this specific dream. She was like, the crazy thing is that happened to me last night with a different client. Like remember, he was like in the tub at the house.

the baby's heart rate was at 80, like all this stuff. And I told her this detailed dream and she was like, that exact thing happened to me last night with another client. So that was one thing that's crazy. But secondly, she was like, let's talk about it. Like, let's say you did have a C-section. Like why is that a Let's process it. Yeah. Which was such a pro midwife move. Totally. Like even though she's like, obviously wanted to help us have the dream home birth that we wanted, like she is.

pro birth in any way that this beautiful baby comes to the world. There's no, like, I don't like when people are like, was your baby born naturally or not? It's like all babies are born naturally. Like whether they come through a vagina, whether it's an epidural, whether it's not, whether it's a home birth, whether it's a C-section, whether it's unassisted at home, like it doesn't matter. Like when your baby is born, like let's not call that natural or unnatural. Like you gave birth to a baby in whatever way that you did. It's hard work. So long story longer, we broke down all the fears and I'm so glad we did because

Sandy & Wade (16:37.952)
It prepared me for what was coming. anyway, we get where we're driving to the hospital. That was literally the longest 13 minutes of my life. was ready to deliver. Well, you know what's crazy too? I had a hospital bag packed in my closet for like a month. this? Remember when we got to the hospital and we got into it, you were like, you have like the best snacks ever in this bag. It's like, knew that we were going to be at the hospital. her snacks. She's passed it down to our daughters, especially Kov.

and you had an amazing snack set up from the hospital. It's like I knew and yeah, we wanted to be set up. So anyway, we drive to the hospital. You and I were in one car. I think Tanya stayed home with the girls and then helped transition. I think your brother, Byron and Tara came over. They took over for the girls. then anyway, we drove in one car to the hospital. Geneva was in another and Geneva was in front of us and she calls us as we're like exiting. This hospital is only 13 minutes from our house. And she was like, hey, I just called. They don't have any room available.

You guys, my contractions were so intense. I had sweat dripping off my hair. I couldn't even sit in the chair. I was on my knees in the passenger seat, facing backwards with my neck like over the neck. oh my gosh, we have a video of it. I was ready to like pull over and deliver on the highway. Yeah, but which is crazy. He wasn't born for another day. I know. But like I was just like mentally preparing like, all right, well, third time around, we can do this like in my head. Yeah. So I was in so much discomfort. So she was like, hey, I just want to let you know I called. They have no rooms available.

I was so pissed. was like, I don't fucking care. We're pulling up. They're not going to see me like this and not let me in. No, we're not going to a different hospital. We're exiting the freeway right now. We're two minutes away. I need assistance. I need an epidural. Like I can't take this anymore. So we pull up and literally like stack is not allowed to come out and help you get in. But like they saw me like heaved over like wailing and someone like came out with a, with like a, what is it called? A wheelchair. And I couldn't sit in it. I was on my knees and Geneva was like pushing in Wade ran and like parked the car and comes in.

And I literally remember seeing a couple in the triage. It's like this beautiful, like half Asian girl, super pregnant. And her husband, could totally tell they were first time parents. And I'm pretty sure they had like a scheduled induction. Cause they're like, they were like made up. Yeah. Her hair and makeup. So cute. They're taking selfies. She's She's walking. They look peaceful. And they're telling the front desk people are like, we have no room. And then suddenly they were like, we have a room available. And I swear they saw me come wheeled in and they were like, yo, like we'll push back the time of our baby. Cause that girl.

Sandy & Wade (19:02.126)
Does it like that is your rolls in like, like moaning like beast mode like, like hair like sweating everywhere, everything like bent over knees on the wheelchair. Like it was like out of a National Geographic scene. And I think, the other couple was like, they can they can grab the room. Yeah. And we go into the elevator. Yeah. Whoever you were, their baby literally, I think was born later because of that. Like, and then I remember seeing them a couple of days later in the light on that labor floor.

Anyway, I don't know for sure but I just always had a feeling like that they were like, we don't want to like yeah. Yeah. Yeah. so anyway super grateful for that and I remember going up in that elevator and like I was hit with emotion and I honestly was like I was like God if you're real like please please because I was just like in so much pain and just fear started hitting me of being like

Like, I don't know, just like what's gonna happen. Like, am I gonna get help in time? Like when you're in that much physical pain, like you're just, you're like, please, like, I just felt like save me, save me. Like, and I literally remember out loud saying like, God, if you're real, like, please show up for me. So anyway, within minutes, amazing staff, like amazing team, everyone was nice. Like truly within minutes I had an epidural and they had a one for

What's the anesthesiologist or whatever? She's always like growing out with them boy or man or woman, like you are a saint like, my gosh, thank you. And the gratitude, the overflow of gratitude once the epidural hits for the anesthesiologist is like, it's unbelievable. It's so funny. It's like torture to like the ultimate relief. And I don't want to say torture because it's like, I have given unmedicated birth and, but Kobe was in the optimal position and it didn't hurt that same way. Like it was very different.

It honestly felt like there was like a saw to my spine. Like, I don't even know how to describe it. Like splitting my butthole open, on my back, like horrible. So anyway, the ultimate relief. Guys aren't tough enough to give birth. know that's a fact. Yeah. So anyway, we get into a room and we had the most beautiful room. my gosh. my gosh. It was huge. was like a massive suite. I still, even after Cameron, we had a great hospital birth, like had this underlying like kind of fear of the hospital. Every time we're there,

Sandy & Wade (21:19.7)
especially for our two births at the hospital. I just get reinforced like, wow, nurses are angels on earth. Hospitals, a lot of ways are meant to help you. And yeah, this beautiful room with the view, was like, my that night was like the most incredible Sunsetting over the Rockies, was kind of like, was pretty beautiful and euphoric almost. Yeah. So, OK, so and I do think everything happens for a reason and sometimes it doesn't make sense in the moment. But when they were checking us in.

So Geneva, our home birth midwife came with us and she essentially acted as the doula. But once she came to the hospital, can't, she has to turn over care. Like she's not the primary provider anymore because we're at the hospital, right? So she was kind of there more as support. And honestly, Geneva has become such a good friend. I love her. So she was there as support, but they were asking us and her like, okay, who do you want to be under the care of the OBGYN or the hospital midwife? And I was like, well, what's the difference? And they're like, well, I mean,

If you want to have minimal interventions, you might want to go in to, you know, like with the midwife versus the OBGYN, like they might lean more towards interventions or like a C-section. I was like, okay, let's go with the hospital midwife. So we chose on the hospital midwife. and I do feel like this is where my entire story kind of like took a shift. I'm obviously super grateful for her, but at the same time, like the way

she acted in the birth is what triggered so much of what was to come. Basically, we got checked into the room. I was FaceTiming my dad at one point. I think at this point, it's like 4 PM on Saturday. I'm FaceTiming my dad. I'm like, so much relief. We're good. Like, we're probably going to meet him in the morning. And this woman was in the room. I'm pretty sure her name was Rachel. And she overheard me say, he'll probably be born by morning. And she's like, no, he'll be born like before midnight. And I was like, huh?

And she was like, it's your third baby. you like you won't push more than an hour. And I was like, OK. I was like, pushed for four hours with my first. Like, my births are kind of long. Like, they're intense. And she's like, no, we'll come to find out much later. She had been on like a 36 hour shift when we came in. And when we elected to have the midwife, she was like, OK, I'll stay to like help this lady. So this poor woman was exhausted. And so she was probably just like, no, this baby's being born tonight because I want to go home and sleep.

Sandy & Wade (23:43.142)
but like kind of projecting that like onto me. So anyway, like we were waiting for, you know, I was, I got a nap. We were waiting for me to get to 10 centimeters, all the things. and my room was beautiful. And like, by the time it got dark, like we had twinkle lights everywhere. We had a central oils going. We my first playlist. Like we tried to make it feel as much as a home. It was, it was cool. and anyway,

when it finally got to time to start pushing, it was midnight. And so I already felt like this woman had an energy towards me of like, like I felt like I was disappointing her. Like she had this, I just had this feeling of like, I'm disappointing her. like, and I didn't know at that point that she was that tired. I found out later when there was like intervention with the hospital and like kind of sharing with them, like how disappointed I was in this specific, like the way this was handled, I found out later, like.

that she was super tired and all this stuff. like, I do have compassion for her, but in the moment I didn't know like what was going on. But anyway, I pushed for hours, literally for four hours I pushed and we had like that like gymnastics looking bar where my legs were pushed back. I was on my hands and knees. We were doing all these different breathing techniques. Like we were trying everything. And then at one point she was like, can I have the OBGYN come in for a second opinion? And I'm like, a second opinion?

I push babies out. don't need opinions. I don't need people to observe me. I'm not like a caged animal in a zoo that needs to be like observed. But like that's I was starting to feel. But I was like, sure, she can come in. And so there started being like more and more intervention. She kept like asking, like she's like, need to push and I need to feel like where the baby's head is. So like she kept putting her fingers in my vagina. It got to a point where both of her hands up to her wrists were in my vagina.

And I had the mirror and I remember seeing it and being so disturbed by it, but I was so fucking tired that I, and I didn't have the words to be like, do not do that. Like I just said, do we have to do that? Or I did come the next one. Can you not do it? Or can you just do one hand? Like I kept like, but I, I'm also so tired and like working so hard pushing and like taking a break and pushing and taking like constantly every minute that like, seems in listening to this, it's like, why don't you just tell her, don't do that. But when I was in it, like I was just like,

Sandy & Wade (26:05.42)
I didn't like it and it felt against every like, I didn't like it. But like, I didn't say don't do that. But even reflecting on it with you after even with Geneva after like, it was like, like Geneva was like, I've never seen that. Like that was, you don't do that. Like she was trying to help twist his head and like help not necessarily pull him out, but like just get him in a better position. But little did I know at that time, but I believe that that

triggered something in me of this deep innate feeling that I've had many times in my life that I didn't know of feeling like sexually violated and it triggered all sorts of other things about a week after he was born, which we'll get to that part of the story. But long story longer, a lot of like hands inside of me, a lot of people like observing me, my soul started feeling defeated and I started

having like an absolute knowing that I was going to have a C-section, but I didn't say it yet. Like I was just in my head imagining what is this recovery going to be like? Like, what am I going to feel like? Like, what is it going to be like when I have to, you know, tell the world like, nope, I transferred to the hospital and I ended up getting a C-section. Like I started like going down that loop and then they weren't, and I have to say to Cruz heart rate was never, this was never an emergency. Like he was doing fine. was just like,

I was exhausted and over it. I wasn't the progression. Really? And so by the way, I just remembered, do you remember when I was in the tub in our bedroom on that Saturday morning? It was like, I don't know, like 1230 in the morning. I was like, I looked at you and like, babe, our baby's going to be born between four and eight AM. And you were like, Oh my God, babe. Like it's almost one like that soon. And I was like, I didn't say today. Do you remember that? Yeah. Oh, funny because he

was born between four and eight a.m. but it was on that Sunday. But anyway, so yeah, after four hours of pushing, I don't know, I just started hearing like, I could tell by the tone of her voice some of the stuff she was saying, like I felt like she was checked out, like she was like, like she wanted to leave, like I felt like I didn't know how to keep like performing, my body stopped, I felt like my cervix was tightening up, I felt like everything, my body was like rejecting her, I didn't want to be near.

Sandy & Wade (28:26.988)
And then I had such good vibes and energy from the OBGYN who did end up, you know, being the one that performed the C-section. But anyway, they were talking about, you know, we could get a vacuum, like, and they started talking about other things. And I literally was like, if you work at this hospital, please exit the room. Like I had everyone get out and I had been thinking this for like an hour, but I didn't know how to say it. And I finally, I had them all get out. I looked at Wade, I looked at Tanya and I looked at Geneva and I was like, are you guys going to think I'm a failure if I get a C-section?

And they're like, no, like we want you to do like, like whatever you need. Like you're the mother, this is your body. Like, and I was like, I'm getting a C-section. Like that's what I need to do. I want my son on my chest in the next like 15 minutes. Like I need to meet him. I can't keep doing this. Like I feel violated. Like everything hurts. Like I just, I'm done. Like I just want to meet my son. And so we had them come back in and the OBGYN was incredible. Like truly.

Dr. Gordon, think that's her name. And I told her I decided and she was like, you are so brave. Just so you know, the baby's not in danger. Like this won't be an emergency. This won't be. She's like, but I do want to tell you, as soon as I notify the team that we're about to have surgery, it is going to feel like an emergency. All these lights like right now it's romantic in here with the dark lights and the music. It's going to turn everything's going to get bright. We're going to wheel you into the OR.

There's suddenly gonna be like 15 people around you're gonna hear beeping noises. Like it's gonna be it's surgery It's like what you see out of a movie and I'm like, okay. Thank you for saying that And then I just yeah remember being wheeled down the hallways and just like seeing signs up above and like next thing you know we're in the room and like you just hear like beeping and noises and like it's just so fast and like I'm just laying there like Jesus like arms arms on the like out on the cross and

I just remember at one point asking like, when is he going to be born? And they were like, he's here. I'm like, he is like, so yeah, I got anesthesia through the IV. yeah, I just I didn't even it's like, it was like an out of body experience. and I would love to hear from your perspective, because I really don't remember. I think I was in and out of consciousness. mean, that part it's amazing Western medicine, like what we can do and because crew was kind of cocked, his head was cocked, which made it really hard for him to

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make progress through the birth canal, it was almost like a halted. And that's where like four hours of pushing, even the midwife like getting all up in there and trying to pull them out wasn't working. And you know, babies kind of lead birth, but that's what we've learned from midwife and three births and different stuff. And so the baby's not gonna like come out head cocked, like in the wrong position. And so it wasn't emergent, but like.

a parent after we learned like it was the right call because they got to see his position. But yeah, she me the next day when she cut me open that his left cheek was like fully up. So like his neck was turned completely like that adds like extra inch or so of like this circumference. Yeah, he was almost stuck, like couldn't make progress through the birth down. So it was so fast. And obviously there's this sheet that separates you and it seems like

in an instant, like I'm just there holding your hand and you're so you're being so brave and you're somewhat out of it. And the next thing you know, he's there with us and he's on your chest and we're, you know, crying and smiling and snuggling them and all was well. They got to do the checks on him and on, you know, mom and everything and all was well there. But yeah, it's it's a you know, I still I don't like cringe a lot in life, but I still like cringe thing whenever, you know, you send me something on C-sections or

cutting seven layers or stuff like I'm like, man, like it's still something that for me not having been through it personally, I can only imagine for you or for anyone listening that's been through C-section, it's big sacrifice to bring your baby to Earthside and it's so obviously worth it, but there's a lot that goes on in the recovery process for him. So then, yeah, you were kind of out of it, but like he was there and through. I remember seeing him for the first time with the plastic sheet and I was like,

He's so like, he was definitely, head was perfectly shaped and yeah, biggest baby. Like our daughters were seven, two, and then seven, 14 and he was eight, nine. So he was definitely a bigger baby. But yeah, he was so like rolly and like, could just see his like little brown cheeks and everything. The love affair began. I love him so much. yeah, then it was like, I had this fear of just, you know, like I didn't have that immediate skin to skin with him. Like you went over and they're like,

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weighing him or whatever. brought him over and you guys kissed and there was some but it wasn't like right onto the chest. No, And then yeah like I just had all these fears and I remember like being kind of like tired in and out of it and whatever and just I'd be like wait go be with him and then I just remember at one point being like make sure they don't circumcise him like I was like I didn't that's something we've chose like we don't want and I was scared like what if that gets done

like behind my back while I'm asleep. I don't know, there's just like certain things that I was like, just, I felt out of control. So anyway, I remember like fast forward that next morning, my sister was there. My sister wasn't obviously like in the operation room, only Wade was allowed. But when I got back to the room, the beautiful, know, suite that we had had.

my sister was like crying and she was like, Sam, I knew I had to stay because I knew you were going to have a C-section. And she one with her third. Which was her boy, two daughters, third boy. There's so many like synchronicities. have so many synchronicities. It's crazy. Like two vaginal births with our first daughters and then third one. Yeah, a son. And so she was like, I had to be here for you. And so yeah, my sister was just, she ended up leaving the day after, but at least was there. know, she was so supportive to us, weeks leading up and, then

Anyway, before she left, remember being in the hospital. It was so hard, dude. A C-section recovery is like truly, I'm not trying to scare anyone, but like when you're not planning on that, is so such a gnarly recovery. And you guys have heard my birth. Like I had to recover from a vaginal birth, even though he didn't fully come through the vagina. Like I did a lot of work. I had to recover from that and the C-section. So I just felt like my body like

got mutilated like truly. And I remember the next morning, it took like six minutes to walk to the bathroom because I could barely even move. But and it felt like the biggest accomplishment when I stood up and walked to the bathroom, you know, this like major surgery. But I remember telling Tanya, I'm like, Conn, there's they left cotton down there. There's these like fuzzy cotton balls, like I'm to bend over. Can you help like pull them out? And I remember like bending over and like, and I'm like reaching back behind me. But I'm like, right there, like, can you get that? What is that? And she's like, San, that's your labia.

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I'm like, what? Like that's how swollen I was. And like it was like my vagina was like swollen puffed out the back, like massive, like so, so much blood, so much bleeding. mean, it was like fully recovering from a vaginal birth. Like I wore a diaper pad for five weeks, I think. Like it was gnarly. So anyway, that was kind of like the initial birth. I was super drugged up for like the first 24 hours. So didn't even hit me like

I just remember, I remember joking around with like the hospital staff and being like, my gosh, like I'm every woman, that Tina Turner song, like, know, song is like, I'm every woman, it's all in me. Because I'm like, I've given hospital birth, I've given unmedicated birth, I've had vaginal births, I've now had a C-section, like I'm every woman, I've done it all, I can relate to all women. All the things are all beautiful. And I just remember feeling that and being like, yeah, it's not what I wanted, but like, I'll be fine. And just kind of feeling like, he's here, he's good.

And just, that was it. And then obviously you're on a lot of pain meds for the recovery. And I knew I wanted to be careful with like, what are they called? Like Norcos and Oxycontin, what are those called? Like, I know they're pain meds, I don't know. like, I don't like that stuff. It like mentally makes me like feel things that aren't true. Like I start losing my mind a little bit.

And so anyway, we were in the hospital for three days. I think we got released on day four, right? But I remember on day three being in so much pain, like the pain was hitting me and we were on a rotation of like, you know, Motrin every whatever, six hours, Oxycontin or whatever. I don't even remember the schedule. It was insane. Like all the drugs to like help with the pain. And I remember one night you were asleep.

He was in the little like bassinet thing next to me. It's like two in the morning. I can't fall asleep and I can't reach him. can't move. couldn't hit the like nurse button because it was like too far to reach. And I just remember trying to say your name and being like, wait, wait. And like, you couldn't hear me. And it was like the first, like reflecting back the first like mental thing that started hitting me in this postpartum of I believed this is like, sounds crazy to say out loud, but that like you and the hospital staff were like,

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This sounds so crazy to say out loud, but we're like co-conspiring to try and like torture me and slowly kill me. And I kept envisioning that you were going to leave with him and you were going to be a single dad of three babies. And I was going to die. Like this was the first like psychotic mental episode. And I do think it was like drug induced to start. then eventually sleep deprivation, like all of these things in the coming weeks, you know, repressed memories, like all these layers of things that ended up happening. But I just remember being so

scared of like, who can I trust? Like feeling almost like I was in a game and like I'm the only one I can trust. And anyway, like I remember feeling that feeling for hours that night and just, couldn't sleep. I was in pain. I felt like you couldn't hear me or maybe you couldn't, were ignoring me. No one was coming in to check because I wasn't pushing the button, but I couldn't reach the button. Like it was like this whole thing. And then when they finally, when you, when you woke up, I was like, babe, I need them to check my vitals. I'm not okay. Like I was having, now I know, a panic attack, right?

And then they like run everything and they're like, you are completely fine. And it was just like, what was going on up here? And that was like the first episode, but there was many, many, many, many of them. anyway, we went home and gosh, who was here first? Your dad and my dad. Yeah. Your dad and my dad helped us the first week. And then literally I think they

five postpartum, so we'd been home for like 24 hours. I knew something was wrong and I was like, we need to go back to the hospital. And we went back and I got diagnosed with postpartum preeclampsia. Which I didn't have during pregnancy. A lot of women get preeclampsia during pregnancy and it's like extreme swelling, high blood pressure, protein in your urine and it can lead to seizures, strokes. It can be dangerous. Like it does kill people.

But I got diagnosed with it postpartum. And so those first six weeks postpartum, need to be like very careful. But anyway, I think my theory is that my body doesn't feel like it gave birth, like because the baby never like, you know, fully came out of the vagina. So I don't, I feel like my body didn't make the connection that like this baby was born because he, I was cut open and he was like just taken out of my body. And so I feel like my body just.

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Continued to feel like all that swelling all that stuff. I was feeling like I don't know I feel like that my body was in some sort of like metabolic chaos the way everything went for sure and So anyway, that was that was lost a ton of blood hormones. Obviously your recovery the inflammation from pretty much vaginal Birth to a c-section. Yeah, there's there's there's just so many factors going on to yeah a baby needing you as your so you're the sole life source like

Yep. Yeah, so anyway, my dad was here and we were, yeah, it day five postpartum. And it's funny because I feel like we're pretty holistic. And we have always like with our daughters, like we honored the first 40 days, which is a concept of like, you know, the first 40 days postpartum, it's like your fourth trimester. It's like you really take care of, I mean, you should always take care of the mother, but it's like you really like.

slow down and you don't really leave the house and you're very mindful of who's allowed in the home and around you guys and you're just protecting, you're staying in And you get off social media and yeah, we're in the bed or bedroom where you are for first like two weeks or 15 days, know, very sacred It's called the 5-5-5, five days in the bed, five days on the bed, five days around the bed. Like you can Google any of these things and know, midwives and people that are like, especially in like the holistic birth community, like they know.

you know, lot of the stuff. So that was kind of our mindset and what I wanted to do. But I feel like reflecting on this postpartum, had none of that. Like we were in, I was in and out of the ER. How many times did we go? Four times? Like in those first few weeks? Some like that. And it was all related to high blood pressure, extreme like severe panic attacks. mean, we were so concerned. I thought I was having seizures because I mean, at one point I was having 15 to 20 panic attacks per day.

And some of them were so scary. mean, remember that one where I had the hawkers on my boobs is like one in the morning. You were feeding him a bottle. I had the hawkers on the boob. Next thing you know, I'm like flopping like a freaking dying fish on the bed. My hawkers and milk are flying. You know what? The other day, the other day I'm nine months postpartum. The other day I was like, what is that on the wall? I saw all this dried liquid on the wall and I realized it was the milk. So I literally got like a wet wipe and like wiped it all off. But I was like, shit, that is literally the milk that flew that one time. But anyway,

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I was flopping on the bed. had to plopping on the floor everywhere. We called 911. Like it was a whole thing and we ended up like fighting and advocating for me getting a medical EEG to scan my brain. Cause we're like, what is going on? Like something is wrong. But anyway, I'm kind of like jumping out of order. So I feel like we need to go. What time is it right now? How much time do we have left? Oh, we're still good on some time. Like 15 or so. Okay. So I feel like we need to pivot.

to the part of the story where I'm six days postpartum, sitting on the toilet, like so much pain and I asked like 40 people to pray for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for me. I think you like, I need to share this part and then what happened the next morning. I'm actually gonna pull up the text. If you guys don't know this, you can go to your, if you have an iPhone, you can go to your text and type in, you can type in like keywords if you remember them from like.

a text and it will pop right up. think everyone knows that. I was talking about this with Tony. Everyone under like 50. Tony said Eric didn't know. Okay, you could talk about something while I find this because I want to read this. Yeah, I'm just I'm along for the ride with the listeners like, you know, I was obviously there for this. this is Sandy is a really, really good storyteller. And when she gets in flow, it's like, next level. This is crazy. I remember the date that happened. It was May 3rd.

So I just typed in May 3rd on my text and it will just come up that way. May 3rd, 2025. It's about to get juicy. Yeah. Like all that was just like the preemptive part. know what detail level we go into. I'll let you read on that. But I'm going to be, yeah, I think I'm going to be a little cautious here. Let's see.

Sorry guys, I really wanna read this. Okay, let's say May. Here, I'll look for it. May 2025. It's a text, I screenshot it. Hold on, let me find it. I know it's here somewhere. Oh my gosh, I'm seeing pictures of him when he was six days old. He's like the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. and Crue now, he's nine months, almost 10. 10 months to Mara is the time of this recording. Oh my gosh, tomorrow. Sandy are just like lovebirds. It's so cute to see their bond and their relationship.

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There's something different about like for me being a girl dad and a boy dad is like a different dynamic. You love your kids so much. But also it's fun to see Sandy having been a girl mom and now a boy mom. It's just so cute. Like they're obsessed. I feel like for me like he's so cute. But like when he's like 18 months or two and he's walking around we're playing and we're wrestling and we're playing catch and we're playing ball. Like that's when like dad and son really start to like bond extra extra.

But this stage is like Sandy and Crew are just... Funny, funny story actually. We knew we were gonna name him Crew and Sandy read this book or something in the middle, like there was a name Wilder or something. She's like, what's that? Crew Wilder. Loved it. Crew Wilder, Cornelius. And one day, you know, I'm Greek and I was like, what do you think about like Leonidas as a first name? She's like, Well, I know you're kidding and trying to be funny. Well, no, I was like...

There was a little bit of like, huh, like what about Leo? And now that that's a bad, that might be a great name for some Leo for short. Leo, like Leonidas Adonis Cridides. Babe, I'm so annoyed. can't find you don't need to read it. I just wanted to read it. I remember writing it and being so desperate. But basically, I remember this so vividly. It was May 3rd of 2025. It was Saturday night. My son was six days old. I'm sitting on the toilet.

I'm in so much pain, physically, mentally, emotionally. Like I just feel icky. I feel heavy. feel just this like, I mean, knowing what I know now, I honestly feel that it was like a spiritual like attack in a lot of ways. But I'm sitting there and I literally sent a text asking like 40 of my friends that I know have like big faith to pray for me. I've never asked anyone to pray for me. I wasn't raised like with faith.

really, I shouldn't say with faith, but like religious or, um, I don't know. never like, you know, believed in like God or anything like that. I mean, I was like, it's possible. Like I believe in higher power, but like, I don't know. I just don't really like connect to that. It doesn't really make sense to me. Um, so anyway, I'm sitting on this toilet. I'm in so much pain and I sent this long text. Oh my God. You found it. Wow. He found it in tech is just

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I don't remember the day or the thing or the any words in it, but like just a quick search. Wow. This makes me sad reading this because I remember what this felt like. So this was Saturday, May 3rd at 10, 21 PM. sitting on the toilet. Like I could barely, I remember I kept blinking and like looking up because I had so many tears filling my eyes that I couldn't like even see what I was typing. But I sent this text in a group text with like several, like a lot of like high level leaders that we work with in our company, but also like a lot of other.

Like I copy and paste it and send it to people that I know have like big faith and this is what I wrote this text says Please please please cover me in prayer that I can sleep I've only slept 15 hours in one week even on all the sleeping meds that they gave me I've been having hallucinations and intrusive thoughts fucking horrible nightmares like we finally leave the hospital and I trip and I hurt crew the level of guilt and sadness I get from those dreams even though they aren't real is debilitating My brain is playing tricks on me. I'm very sleep-deprived which is causing massive panic attacks

paranoia and insane crying episodes. Please pray my incision pain and back pain is lifted. The preeclampsia is horrible and I need to watch the symptoms daily so it doesn't get more serious. I can't take much more. I want to wake up tomorrow and actually all caps enjoy my one week old son. I want to remember this as a joyous time. I love you guys. it makes me so sad and like even seeing the responses like look what they're saying. I can't even. But I felt like I was begging for like

help. And so I sent that text and chills. Yeah, like that night. I feel like it's when like nothing had even been intense until what happened the next morning. and part of one of the many symptoms that I had in this postpartum was sleep paralysis. Remember how horrible that was? I would wake up and I could like make noises, but I couldn't like really talk. And it was like I could open my eyes, but I couldn't move.

Remember that? Yeah. So I remember waking up and this was crazy. So I woke up the next morning. Well, obviously we were up all night, probably like feeding him or whatever. But I remember at this one point waking up and like looking and it was like four fifties six, like before it was a right around. It was like that, which is the exact minute he was born. He was born at four fifty six a week before. so it was like literally one week since he'd been born. I wake up, I see the time and I have this like urge. It's almost like that feeling like you have to throw up like

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you have something urgent, like you need to get up, but I couldn't move. So I'm like laying there. I'm like, was I talking or was I just making noises? I think noises. Yeah. I think I was like, um, um, like trying to get you. And you were like, came over. You're like, babe, what's wrong? What's wrong? And then I remember being like left arm. And then you like helped me with my left arm. I'm like left leg and then my left leg. I'm like, sit up. And you like, I could say like demands. You'd be like, you're being like rude. And I'd like have demands. Remember that? would be like that. It was like weeks of me. Like I was, it was like, if I got out of work, it was like amazing.

So so grateful I could talk, but I think you felt like I was like being really mean and I wasn't trying to. was like desperate to get help and I was so proud I could like say the word because I was like in a frozen state. Yeah. So anyway, you. Well, it was just a very interesting and weird. You never see me. I never done anything like that. There wasn't like it was survival mode one to a lot was happening biologically in you and mentally. And then, yeah, you couldn't talk much, but it was almost like all.

any level of like compassion or emotion or anything was like stripped and gone. It was like left like, it was like, and I'm like, my gosh, it was almost like what's happening. Like who is this? So anyway, I remember you helped me get out of bed. walked, you walked over with me to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and I remember thinking like, this is the last time you're going to look in the mirror.

Like it's like Sandy before this moment and Sandy after this moment and I knew I was like I have to tell you something and I've never told this to anyone before and I said that and I was like who just said that like I knew I said it but I was like what am I gonna tell him like I didn't know what I was about to say mm-hmm and then the next words came out of my mouth and it like shocked me when I said it because I it wasn't even like in my conscious mind but press memory it was a repressed memory but

I said, I have to tell you something and I've never told this to anyone. Isn't that what I said? And I just blurted out like I was molested when I was 12 years old at church camp. Do you remember what your reaction was? I think just compassion and like there was so much happening in our life and your state and everything. And it was just not mad or not shock or like, mean shock, but it was more just like I wanted to make sure

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you felt like I was there for you and you're seen and heard and like it's hard to like how do you there's nothing you can really do other than just like hey I'm here and just hug totally but like let you process it too well and I remember at one point you were like so did you just like you haven't told me this like has it been something you've been like you were yeah you thought I was like keeping it a secret but I didn't even I think I was just asking I think I was just not keeping it a secret but like I think you thought I like consciously knew

but I didn't consciously know until that moment. I'm not, I wasn't like at that time, super familiar with repressed memory. So I think I was trying to understand like, wait, is this something that you just remembered? Or like, do you- But then it was crazy. As you started asking me questions, remember I just started pouring out. I'm like, it was summer of 2021, or sorry, 2001.

His name was Jeffrey. He was 17 years old. He was a camp counselor. He came into my bunk bed. Like I just started like telling you everything I'm like Tanya was in bed with me. She was asleep. Then he took me out of the bed. Then he brought me to the bathroom and like I'm not gonna get into the details of what happened. I just don't think that's something at this time in my life that I want to like publicly share but I am gonna write a book and I might share more details there. But I remember telling you this and like I felt like a thousand pounds was removed from my body and it was like holy shit.

I did not remember this for 24 years. I was 12 years old when this happened. I'm 36 at this time, like 24 years, my body did not remember, but you know, but it stores it. It's so crazy. Like your body keeps the score. And so what's crazy is over the years, like even with my midwife, Geneva, when she would do like cervical checks on me, like when I was pregnant with Cove and with crew, there were several times she asked me like, um, San, have you ever been like molested or raped? And I'm like, no.

Like 100%, no. Like did not feel, felt like any sexual interaction I ever had in my life was like a mutual thing. Like never felt like I got forced to do anything. And so she was like, okay. And she'd asked me that a few times. And then when I started having, and this was what I worked for telling you guys now is just like one of the repressed memories. There was other ones that came up too. But when I told Geneva, like I think I told her that same day or the next day, like, my God, I just remember this. She was like, I knew, like your body told me.

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Like I could tell she's like I've never had anyone like grind their teeth during a cervical check like or when she did the membrane sweep I was like remember I was like clenching my yeah, my my butt and I couldn't get my back was like off the thing and she was like, okay, we don't have to do this like but I was the one asking for it but she was like the way you're acting the way your body's your body is telling me it doesn't feel safe like and so it's crazy like thinking about a full circle because it's like she knew before I did. It was so crazy but

Anyway, my dad was still in town when this first repressed memory came. It's crazy the repressed memories like a repressed memory. Not that I know yet. Like not that I'm a scientist or have studied the science behind it, but just, you know, take off the mic because I don't want them to hear me. Yeah, I'll take your mic. OK, now that we've been through this, like you realize a repressed memory is the brain protecting you and itself almost like, OK, this is trauma.

And we're just going to store this away for now. But realizing that memory lives in your cells, in your body and in your subconscious somewhere, even if you do not remember it. But what I'm realizing, I mean, I believe in everything happening for a reason and in divine intervention and timing and all the things. The trauma needs to come out at some point, like it, it does. And

That's where I think divine timing comes in. Sandy's always referred to Crew as like her little healer man. She would always call him a little cherub baby. And I'm like, what's a cherub baby? She's you don't know what a cherub is? And you look up a cherub, I'm like, he's totally a cherub baby. But you realize that repressed memory is like brain protecting itself, but then it lives in you. And trauma is not meant to just eternally live in us and never get dealt with.

It has to be resolved in some way, or form so it doesn't control and dominate. And it was wild to see, I'm like new to all this. Like I hadn't had panic attacks or really seen one. haven't, as far as I know, have repressed memories and every stuff. like, this is all new to me. And I'm like, my goodness. And just seeing your partner go through it and like knowing there's only so much you can do. A lot of it's this mental, physiological, like.

Sandy & Wade (56:49.004)
It was super tough, but back to... Yeah, I have this belief and knowing that me asking for all those prayers, intentionally saying what I needed, I feel like the power of prayer is real. Whatever it is that you pray to, whatever it is, doesn't matter what religion or denomination or whatever, I feel like if you intentionally send energy and love and light towards someone that's suffering, that collective energy will pool together and like...

This is crazy. You asked for the prayers and then that night I asked for them at 10, 21 PM. And the next morning at 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 5, 6 AM is when you, I remember asking you what it looked like, what, what I was going through when I was like trying to wake up and trying to tell you. And you were like, what did you say? Well, it was actually when you got to the mirror in the bathroom, when we got you over there and you said, I'm about to say something. I'm about to tell you something that I've never told anyone. And you didn't even know what you're about to say. And then you said it and it came out and you said like,

One, went, it almost seemed like like an exorcism, like, like energy and that memory and whatever, like some level of spirit or like, I don't even know what to call it, like freaking exercise and like came out of you. Cause then there was like some level of like you were leaning against the sink, like convulsing a bit and almost like a clearance. Yeah. And it like, it was wild to witness. And I'm just there like new to all of this, like

Whoa, okay, how do I respond react support here now? Like, yeah, I just she's just going through it. I just got to be here. But it did seem like something like left you almost. Yeah. felt like that. Yeah. And it's crazy. So as the weeks went on, as the days went on, I had a few more repressed. So there was something major that happened when I was 12. At a church camp, there was something major that happened when I was 16.

actually with a family member, that I did remember. And you did know about that one. And then there was something that happened when I was 19. And those three things were all, or sorry, the 12 year old one and the 19 year old one were repressed, did not remember them. And so when they came out and I remembered the details of it, it was like processing.

Sandy & Wade (59:11.278)
Like I was greeting that 12 year old Sandy had to hold that. The 12 year old Sandy was at the church camp and called her parents on day five of a seven day camp and said, I have a stomach ache. I've been throwing up. Can you pick me up? And Tanya's like, she's not, she's lying, but Tanya didn't know. And that guy told me, if you keep it a secret, I'll let you leave early. I, 12 year old, I didn't even know what he did to me and like what was happening. Like I knew I didn't like it and it scared me, but like I was so.

uncomfortable. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to be home with my mom and dad. And so when he said, you keep it a secret, and so it's so crazy. Like I think of all the layers to this and it's like, makes so much sense why a lot of my life I've been like anti-religion and then like churches corrupt and like, never fully piece it together until this, repressed memory came out I was like, my gosh, like this happened to me at sleep away church camp. This is supposed to be a safe place. Like what the heck? Yeah. Yeah. I think

definitely there's there's a lot to that and a lot there and I think to what realizing and looking back now more so in realizing like then you almost a lot of times were like in like 12 you were like 12 year old Sandy but in your adult self body but like your mind how you spoke it was like almost like you were 12 and like it's broken and and traumatized and like and so then for me I'm like

trying to understand that and like, do I help in any way, or form? like- where I was terrified of you. Yeah. I thought you were going to hurt Right. That opened up like, okay, men have traumatized me. Yes. And then even though I'm your husband and- There were nights with your mom. on, I think a week postpartum, like right the day after this depressed memory came up, then my dad and your dad left. guys were the ones there when all that was coming through. Yeah. They know it all. Our family is probably like, wow.

And then your mom flew in that day and then she stayed with us goodness like literally on earth Yes, I could not without it without so many other people But she slept in bed with me many nights and I would make you sleep in the guest bedroom. know you love me you're my husband but like I just I my body Will not allow me to be near men right now I was scared even of your masculine voice like the deepness of it like I was scared and then at night

Sandy & Wade (01:01:37.164)
Like part of the way I processed all these repressed memories was like, my gosh, all these molestations, like sexual abuse, like this all happened at night in the dark. And so I started not feeling safe in the dark. Remember it would start getting dark and I feel like, my God, my God. It was like the panic would start coming and it was like, great, here comes 12 hours of straight panic. I would be up all night. I would be like writing and crying and downloading and just not sleeping. No, just there was a point where

And apparently that again, I don't know all the signs, but this is a part of it, like with with trauma and different things like Sandy's body would not let her sleep for more than like 90 minutes to two hours out of two hours. And usually it'd be like maybe she would get two hours and then mine would be up racing memories, you know, trauma, all the things processing reliving, reliving maybe panic attacks. And then you'd be writing and it would all be so like manic, furious and manic. Yeah. And

then you typically wouldn't go back to sleep and the next day would just begin. So then it was like maybe like two hours a night. And yeah, that was, That was, yeah, it was wild, but it was like, gotta just keep sharing your side of it. So yeah, Jen, his mom is an absolute saint and yeah, she held space for us. We had every night where I'm sleeping in the guest room and she's sleeping with you and, but not really sleeping because it was.

She was getting two hours when you're asleep and then you would sometimes let us sleep. But usually like you would need someone to be there to process and talk to or just to feel safe with. And yeah. And there was well and in the first like couple of weeks I was really trying to heal and like not have so much bleeding and stuff. So you guys got everything for me. I'm like I need water. yeah. I need this. got it. Then we got three kids at home a newborn. You know all the rest of life. Yeah it was.

Yeah. And remember when I'd have those severe panic attacks and you guys would have to set alarms. So like, I can't be alone for more than 10 minutes because I'm having a panic attack and I'm flailing on the floor and I hit my head. Like someone needs to call, come and find me. So you guys would like go take, you'd like take the kids, the girls in the front yard to like drive, ride their bikes. But then like you or your mom would have to come in and check on me. like, was like this, I like you had four kids. Like in a way, like you had a handicapped wife that was basically like, you almost had like two newborns.

Sandy & Wade (01:03:58.702)
Like I was really not through his way simpler and easier. He's sure. But then I'm also breastfeeding during all this crazy to think back. Like when I even think through like all the drugs and stuff they gave me, I'm like, I mean, they give it to you at the hospital and they say it's safe and they encourage you to, know, breastfeed. But I'm like kind of crazy to think that shit can be running through your system and like making you hallucinate, but then you're, you're chilled to nurse. I don't know. whole thing is a healthy little chair. He's great. But anyway, so, um,

I want to shift into, and I know we actually might be ending this episode very soon. This one will probably wrap. We can leave them on a cliffhanger. Should we end it here? Let me think really quick. No, I want to end with how we got referred to that like best in Colorado postpartum psychiatrist. Yes, and then we'll leave them on the cliffhanger because we can't, that's the next start of the next episode.

So way before like a full-time researcher. Yeah, let's cover first overall like the arc of this story. So we're gonna cover like yeah how we got connected to psychiatrists, right? that? Yeah, the psychiatrists. We're gonna cover what went down from there, which was wild and you know to the extent to that you want to share too like there's gonna be some detail like I'm gonna share you probably share most of it but like not all of it and that's fine and

But my book is going to you. is going to be wild. then really just the and then eventually like I'll share like my perspective of it too because I think I've learned so much in how to support that or supporting how to show up and it's really hard and really imperfect. In beyond and now like the residual like you're doing your nine months with Firm doing amazing relative. incredible now. And you know there's little residual things to work through and we all have.

stuff but particularly but yeah there's some there's even there's a lot of wild stuff coming so okay first we'll we'll leave it here and then we'll go into like what happened with with the psychiatrist but yeah through all of this like honestly AI is think of it what you may but like it can be a powerful tool using it right so i'm like trying to understand and do all this research on like repressed memories how they come up

Sandy & Wade (01:06:21.422)
deal with them. the sleep deprivation, like she's only getting two hours a night. Like, okay, how can we help her sleep? Okay, I'm only getting two hours a night. And then I got to do, you know, be dad, husband, all the things, everything else, like house, work, couldn't work. But luckily with our work, like, you literally didn't work for three months, right? Like, barely did anything for three months. It was crazy out of just emergency survival necessity.

So I'm doing like so much research. like, okay, these are all these complexities she's dealing with. Traumatic birth, C-section, physical pain, the mental side, the trauma of that, repressed memories coming up, like sexual abuse, different deprivation. The sleep deprivation. Sleep paralysis. Postpartum, the hormones, like sleep paralysis, all of the things. Postpartum pre-lampsia. And like finding people to help and solve, it's like very nuanced and specific and specialized.

So get, I'm calling like all these people. I'm kind of explaining, I'm getting the feel for who's what. And there's this one that's like, oh my gosh, women postpartum, postpartum, honestly, mania to an extent or different stuff, Manic. Different things that like specialize in it. It's like women's safe, only women's practice. Well, and which was important because you couldn't be around men at that point. was terrified Most of the time you were okay with me, especially in the daylight. But then even with me, like you had to work.

that stuff. But Vine is like, okay, this seems like a really good fit. They deal with all a lot of these things and trauma and trauma response and even EMDR and different stuff like that. And so we set up an appointment and that was huge at like leaving the house. I remember it was like a huge deal. You're so scared of driving. Yeah, days postpartum. Yeah. And yeah, I was scared. Yeah, I had we had a panic attack leaving house. Yeah, it took like an hour to leave. Yeah, it's just like

I'm like a handicap person trying to walk down the stairs, like limping around, just everything, you know, timing the feeds and just fricking all the time. Yeah. Anyway, we showed up. Should we just stop here? think we got to, well, timing wise on our end and playing with our kids and taking them to we have to, but I think also, yeah, this, it gets, it gets wild from here. Yeah.

Sandy & Wade (01:08:44.878)
So we'll leave you on that. This is part one. Part one. But thank you for listening. It'll be a part two, probably three, maybe a four. Yeah. And then I'm going to have, we're going have some people on that. Like at one point I went to a three week trauma healing retreat and I would love to get Dr. Brooks on the podcast to share about- ton. Like looking back, you learned so much from the journey. We learned by fire doing it in the middle of it for, it was probably-

Sandy & Wade (01:09:13.528)
three months of absolute wild insanity, our life, six months, the three months after that was pretty dang wild, but like more stabilized. I think six, after six months I had a turning point. And then after six months there's a turning point, an hour nine, 10, 10 months tomorrow, as of time it's recording in. So yeah, there's some, but then yeah, from there, all the things we've learned.

and all the resources that helped us and you along the way, we want to bring some of them on to share what they do in our experience and how they help. Because the goal of this is probably somewhat therapeutic to you, but a lot of people I think will relate. And it's not something that people talk people that suffer with postpartum. And one of the doctors will share more on this, said I had postpartum psychosis. And 2 % of women have postpartum psychosis.

a lot of them end up ending their own life or ending their baby's lives. Well, not necessarily a lot, but a lot more than zero. 2 % of women, a lot of them end, like that's how it ends. Postpartum psychosis can be, and I just want to make clear, I never wanted to hurt myself or my babies. it's like a risk and then you get scared like and all the things. Yeah. So anyway, we're going to talk more about this stuff. More to come. More to come. But thank you for listening to part one. And

So this is going to be the, the, the credit is journey that yeah, we hope can help people and bring on resources. And then from there, it'll be, you know, if we feel inspired on something, we'll share it. Yeah. We'll get back to our like high vibe entrepreneur stuff, but this is a very real personal thing that we've had to navigate that like kind of put our life on hold. And we just kind of want to give you guys a peek behind the curtain of like what we've privately been navigating. I love you. I love you too. I'm glad we get to do this together. love.

We do everything the other parents work podcast and thank God you're a rock and things don't like shake you the way they shake me. Cause if we were both like me, we would be like not. think it was a divine appointment, our relationship because yeah, we, have a balance that creates an equilibrium of your spice, fire, passion, my groundedness and yeah, all the things stability.

Sandy & Wade (01:11:38.114)
But anyways, part one, part two coming and we'll see you next time.